One good result of the pandemic is that the curtain was pulled back on all that working mothers do. The bad part is that working moms quit their jobs in droves. More than 1.4 million working mothers left the workforce during the pandemic. We need working moms to stay sane and stay put in the workforce. We must empower those moms who left to return to work. Part of doing this and creating the balance you crave is working moms must share the mental load.
What is the mental load?
For everything you do, there is the stuff behind that task. And 86 percent of working moms handle everything at home related to children and household duties. It’s generally invisible stuff. As working moms, there is a lot of stuff behind the tasks your family sees. It’s like a running to-do list and encyclopedia of information about your family, their activities, and their preferences that are all in your head all the time. Now consider this mental load for everything you do at home and work. Yep, it can be overwhelming.
For example, your child plays soccer. That is the weekly activity. Behind that task is thinking through your child and family’s overall schedule, finding the right team where he or she is continuing to learn/develop skills and practice falls on the right day(s) in comparison to everything else you all have going on and figuring out how to coordinate life to get your child to practice. It’s knowing when to buy new shoes and what brands your child likes. And you probably know all or most of that off the top of your head.
Understand what changes you want to make
If you want more equality at home and generally more relief, you must release the mental load. OK, you get it, so now what?
Let’s start with one thing that you must address upfront. The idea that your significant other “should know” doesn’t help. Our mind-reading abilities are simply not going to happen. Shifting the mental road takes action. It won’t happen without you making changes.
Start with looking at the tasks you’re in charge of. OK, so now consider what it takes to get those tasks done. Now you see the true to-do list. You’re seeing all the small pieces that make up a task or duty. It’s often not only one thing.
Great! Now it’s time to figure out what you enjoy, what to delegate (whole duty, not an individual task), and what can go away outright. Yes, some things might not need to be done. For example, maybe you can combine tasks and some things will literally fall off your list that went into one or both tasks.
These days so much can be delegated to an outside resource from a housekeeper to someone to shop for groceries to even someone to pick up and return to you your dry cleaning. Delegation is incredibly important.
Now think through a few key questions as you write it all down and sort through things.
- What do you enjoy?
- Are there duties you’d like off your to-do list?
- What your significant other (SO) enjoy?
- What things does your SO not want to do?
- How can your kids help?
- What takes up a lot of time that you don’t enjoy?
- Are there tasks you both do badly that you might want to outsource?
- What services are in your area?
- What services can you afford?
Learning to let go of the mental load
You’ve got your list. You understand you must release the mental load. Let’s talk tips to help working moms share the mental load. When you go to delegate at home, you must take one of two perspectives. Yep, there are two so it’s really one or the other. You must either completely delegate the duty/task and be OK with what it looks like when someone else does it differently. Or you must be really specific in how you want it done.
Let me give you a hint here. You can’t be specific in every single thing you delegate. It’s not going to be well-received by the other person and it’s exhausting. You must let go of what it looks like and embrace a new way of doing it. And this is where good is good enough really counts.
Yes, learning to let go is hard. For a type-A personality (raising my hand here), this can be the hardest part of letting go of the mental load. You’re empowering your significant other or another family member to take on something which means you lose that control. As you can imagine, letting go takes practice, especially at the beginning of handing over those reins.
Setting yourself up to let go
One really important aspect of releasing the mental load, whether at work or home, is sharing information. Often information is power. When it comes to managing and especially releasing the mental load, you want that power to be shared. Always. Find ways to actually share that information. Spreadsheets, meeting requests, email, MS Teams, Trello, Slack, etc. All of these can facilitate sharing information.
What does this look like in practice? When I need my husband to set up an appointment, I share what we have on the calendar in the coming weeks. My husband often has pick-up times and locations for our usual activities on his calendar. I naturally add those to my calendar so it’s as easy as inviting him. It takes seconds. If I have been sent an email that requires a response, I simply forward the email with additional information I might have if I’d like it to go on his to-do list. And I know it’s done when I get a meeting request.
It takes time to share the mental load
I’d love to say that it’s all easy, but it’s not. You will have moments where you stumble. You will likely stumble or fall back into old patterns. Don’t beat yourself up. Acknowledge the hiccup. Fix whatever the issue is. And then get back on the right path again as quickly as possible. Give yourself grace that it won’t be an automatic shift when you decide it’s time to release the mental load.
My own path to sharing the mental load
I decided to launch my second book soon after launching my first book. To do that I needed more time in my day. The first thing I did was go to my husband. While we don’t have a 50/50 split, my husband is incredibly supportive at home and in my businesses. He fully supported my writing a second book. So I asked him point-blank what he wanted to take on from a list of things I chose that I thought he’d do well. He chose cooking. (He’s a great cook which is why this was on my list!)
Initially, this saved me about an hour a week. That was a start, but not enough time. Here’s why it didn’t save me enough time. I still did the meal planning, put together the grocery list, bought groceries, and did the meal prep. He swooped in like a hero at the end and cooked. This really only saved me an hour each week since we don’t cook every night. (I highly recommend cooking for two nights with every meal you cook by the way.)
And then I interviewed Sonia Parekh for my second book and she talked about the mental load. I had an a-ha moment and realized it was time to let go of the mental load related to feeding our family. I hung up the phone and talked to my husband.
And that is when my husband began feeding our family with little input from me. Beyond occasional suggestions, I pretty much stay out of it, unless my husband asks me specifically to step in. And this is rare. Cooking is usually all him. Again, thank goodness he’s good in the kitchen!
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Here’s what I want you to walk away with. Working moms must share the mental load. We must let go of being the one who does all the stuff. Having it all and feeling balanced doesn’t mean doing it all. It’s doable to release that mental load and it will take action. So, what is your first step? What is holding you back from releasing the mental load? Or maybe you’ve already released the mental load. What do this action and the subsequent result look like in your situation? Mompowerment readers are always looking for new inspiration from fellow working mamas like you.
Need help with starting the conversation on becoming better partners at home? I’ve got you covered. I created a guide to do this. Download your copy today!
