We continue the theme of love and friendship this month. This time it’s all about showing your family some love. With so much going on almost always, let’s talk about how to be more present with your family as a working mom. This concept came up consistently in many of the interviews I did for the Mompowerment books. As the women I interviewed worked to create greater balance, their ability to be more present with their families positively impacted their lives and the lives of their kids and significant others.
Being in the Moment
Years ago when I was still in the corporate world, a colleague talked about “loving the one you’re with.” He was talking about clients. I’m taking that idea and applying it to loving and being present, both at home and at work. We need to focus on each when it’s that designated time on our calendar. An OBGYN in the Austin, Texas area who I interviewed described it as: “When I’m at work, I can focus 100 percent of my efforts on patients; when at home, I can focus 100% on family and my partner.”
You’re Not Alone
If you struggle with this, you’re not alone. I constantly hear from moms with questions about this topic. We want the connection and the personal interaction with our kids. And we want and/or need the work time.
And, let’s be honest, it’s hard to be present at home when you’ve shifted to working from home and managing remote learning. If you’re used to being in an office, shifting to remote working might require thinking differently about your workday. It’s too easy to hop on for one last email and then two hours later, you’re still on your computer.
Benefits of Being Present
The connection we have with our kids is important for us and for them. Being present only helps deepen that connection. That is especially the case for younger children (think under 3). A Harvard study explains how the pathways that develop in the brain in these early years impact lifelong “learning, behavior, and health.” This is the stage when a child’s emotional foundation forms as well. So much is happening at this moment in a child’s development.
I interviewed several moms of older kids who felt strongly that they needed to be around when their kids got older. Their kids looked to them for guidance during the preteen or teenage years. Several of the moms shared that their older children needed mom to be around even more, to go from one place to another or for encouragement during these sometimes tough years in a child’s development.
It’s Doable (I promise)
Being present can be hard, especially if you’re used to multi-tasking or you have a lot of balls in the air. Keep in mind that being present isn’t something you have to do for hours with such incredible focus that you’re breaking a sweat. Even a solid 30 minutes with your kids without interruption makes a difference. At least in my experience, it can buy you time later if you need to get something done, whether that’s getting dinner ready or sending out an important email to a client.
Before I start with any advice, it’s important that you believe that being more present with your family is doable. Yes, even you, as the busy, working mama that you are can be more present with your kids. This isn’t a magical tool only a select few have. It will likely take shifting some things around, though.
Being Present Helps with Mommy Guilt
For many moms I interviewed, the ability to be present enabled them to lose the guilt. Since they could focus on family when they were with family, they didn’t feel like work got the best of them. When they were at work, they could focus on work, knowing that they would see family soon enough and spend time with their kids. They felt more comfortable being at their best at work and then being the mom they wanted to be.
Boundaries at Work Help Enable You to be Present at Home
When you’re at home, are you thinking about work or is work interrupting your family time? If you’re focused on work stuff at home, you’re probably not enjoying your time with family.
These tips might help you keep work at work, even when you’re working from home, so you’re more present with your family: tips to put these boundaries in place.
- No tech times and zones in your home. Designate times when you step away from technology (yep, that wonderful enabler of being on 24/7 if you let it). And have places where you don’t allow technology for anyone. In our home, we have a no phones at the breakfast or dinner table rule. If there is an emergency, we recognize and approach this differently. Generally, we don’t allow tech for anyone at the table. It’s a time to connect for our family.
- Define a work emergency and appropriate protocols. Define an emergency and have your colleagues, manager, clients, suppliers, etc agree to how it will work. Everyone you’re interacting with must be on the same page for these definitions. That way you know if it’s an emergency or if someone might be out of the office tomorrow and sent one last email out after hours.
- Define response times to non-emergency communications. You see an email come in and you stop what you’re doing to respond immediately. It won’t make you more productive. Consider shifting how you respond to email. Is responding within 24 hours or by end of the day or whatever timeframe you’re comfortable with an option? You might be traveling, in an all-day meeting, sick, taking care of a sick child, working on a major deadline. Give yourself some wiggle room, so that people don’t expect you to respond in minutes. Don’t get into a habit that you respond so fast that people keep contacting you until you respond when it’s not instantaneous.
Making the Most of Being Present
Maybe you’re not sure how to really be present. These aren’t the only options, but they can start you down the path and give you ideas of engaging in meaningful ways with your child(ren):
- If you have young kids, get on the floor with them and play. Focus 100% for 30 minutes without interruptions. Don’t even bring your phone into the room if you think you’ll be distracted. If your child is old enough, let your child lead the play and be an engaged participant.
- Dance party anyone? Turn up the music and dance it out. Bonus is that it might use up energy or could give you an energy boost, depending on the type of music and time of day.
- Go outside. Go outside for at least 30 minutes with your kids on a nice day. If it’s snowy outside, don’t let that stop you (build a snowman, snowball fight?). You don’t have to be outside for hours (unless you want). With young kids, take out some bubbles. What young child doesn’t like bubbles? Or let your kids ride their bicycles or tricycles with you alongside. Get outside toys like a badminton or T-ball set. They’re worth their weight in gold. You can usually find them at a Target or on Amazon. And, again, it can be an energy pick me up or it can use up energy, depending on what you’re looking for.
- Read a book or 2 or 3. Our boys love to snuggle up and read books. If I would, we would read for hours. Sometimes they read to me and other times I read to them. With a 10-year-old and 7-year-old in our home, we read chapter books. They are often action or adventuring books (Harry Potter, youth version of classics like Treasure Island). I definitely had a variety of books that I liked to read as my boys were growing up. One of my favorites is The Legend of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Trust me, you’ll love this one!
- Sit and listen. Let them lead the conversation and see where it goes. You know your own kids to know what prompts they’ll respond to. I ask “Tell me the best part about your day” (or simply “Tell me about your day”) or “Tell me about your drawing/art” when they bring home artwork. I usually hear a bunch of news or a story from these types of prompts. These probing questions might not work for you, so figure out will unlock the talking on their end.
Want a few other options? I share other ones in a recent blog post.
We want to love on our kids and create that connection. Being present only reinforces that. You now know my tips on how to be more present with your family as a working mom. What helps you be present? What activities do you do? How do you block out the distractions?
